Confession
by Leo Tolstoy
XVI
And I ceased to doubt, and became fully convinced that not all
was true in the religion I had joined. Formerly I should have
said that it was all false, but I could not say so now. The whole
of the people possessed a knowledge of the truth, for otherwise
they could not have lived. Moreover, that knowledge was
accessible to me, for I had felt it and had lived by it. But I no
longer doubted that there was also falsehood in it. And all that
had previously repelled me now presented itself vividly before me.
And though I saw that among the peasants there was a smaller
admixture of the lies that repelled me than among the
representatives of the Church, I still saw that in the people's
belief also falsehood was mingled with the truth.
But where did the truth and where did the falsehood come from?
Both the falsehood and the truth were contained in the so-called
holy tradition and in the Scriptures. Both the falsehood and the
truth had been handed down by what is called the Church.
And whether I liked or not, I was brought to the study and
investigation of these writings and traditions — which till now
I had been so afraid to investigate.
And I turned to the examination of that same theology which I
had once rejected with such contempt as unnecessary. Formerly it
seemed to me a series of unnecessary absurdities, when on all
sides I was surrounded by manifestations of life which seemed to
me clear and full of sense; now I should have been glad to throw
away what would not enter a health head, but I had nowhere to
turn to. On this teaching religious doctrine rests, or at least
with it the only knowledge of the meaning of life that I have
found is inseparably connected. However wild it may seem too my
firm old mind, it was the only hope of salvation. It had to be
carefully, attentively examined in order to understand it, and
not even to understand it as I understand the propositions of
science: I do not seek that, nor can I seek it, knowing the
special character of religious knowledge. I shall not seek the
explanation of everything. I know that the explanation of
everything, like the commencement of everything, must be
concealed in infinity. But I wish to understand in a way which
will bring me to what is inevitably inexplicable. I wish to
recognize anything that is inexplicable as being so not because
the demands of my reason are wrong (they are right, and apart
from them I can understand nothing), but because I recognize the
limits of my intellect. I wish to understand in such a way that
everything that is inexplicable shall present itself to me as
being necessarily inexplicable, and not as being something I am
under an arbitrary obligation to believe.
That there is truth in the teaching is to me indubitable, but
it is also certain that there is falsehood in it, and I must find
what is true and what is false, and must disentangle the one from
the other. I am setting to work upon this task. What of falsehood
I have found in the teaching and what I have found of truth, and
to what conclusions I came, will form the following parts of this
work, which if it be worth it and if anyone wants it, will
probably some day be printed somewhere.
1879.
The foregoing was written by me some three years ago, and will
be printed.
Now a few days ago, when revising it and returning to the line
of thought and to the feelings I had when I was living through it
all, I had a dream. This dream expressed in condensed form all
that I had experienced and described, and I think therefore that,
for those who have understood me, a description of this dream
will refresh and elucidate and unify what has been set forth at
such length in the foregoing pages. The dream was this:
I saw that I was lying on a bed. I was neither comfortable nor
uncomfortable: I was lying on my back. But I began to consider
how, and on what, I was lying — a question which had not till
then occurred to me. And observing my bed, I saw I was lying on
plaited string supports attached to its sides: my feet were
resting on one such support, my calves on another, and my legs
felt uncomfortable. I seemed to know that those supports were
moveable, and with a movement of my foot I pushed away the
furthest of them at my feet - - it seemed to me that it would be
more comfortable so. But I pushed it away too far and wished to
reach it again with my foot, and that movement caused the next
support under my calves to slip away also, so that my legs hung
in the air. I made a movement with my whole body to adjust
myself, fully convinced that I could do so at once; but the
movement caused the other supports under me to slip and to become
entangled, and I saw that matters were going quite wrong: the
whole of the lower part of my body slipped and hung down, though
my feet did not reach the ground. I was holding on only by the
upper part of my back, and not only did it become uncomfortable
but I was even frightened. And then only did I ask myself about
something that had not before occurred to me. I asked myself:
Where am I and what am I lying on? And I began to look around and
first of all to look down in the direction which my body was
hanging and whither I felt I must soon fall. I looked down and did
not believe my eyes. I was not only at a height comparable to the
height of the highest towers or mountains, but at a height such
as I could never have imagined.
I could not even make out whether I saw anything there below,
in that bottomless abyss over which I was hanging and whiter I
was being drawn. My heart contracted, and I experienced horror.
To look thither was terrible. If I looked thither I felt that I
should at once slip from the last support and perish. And I did
not look. But not to look was still worse, for I thought of what
would happen to me directly I fell from the last support. And I
felt that from fear I was losing my last supports, and that my
back was slowly slipping lower and lower. Another moment and I
should drop off. And then it occurred to me that this cannot be
real. It is a dream. Wake up! I try to arouse myself but cannot
do so. What am I to do? What am I to do? I ask myself, and look
upwards. Above, there is also an infinite space. I look into the
immensity of sky and try to forget about the immensity below, and
I really do forget it. The immensity below repels and frightens
me; the immensity above attracts and strengthens me. I am still
supported above the abyss by the last supports that have not yet
slipped from under me; I know that I am hanging, but I look only
upwards and my fear passes. As happens in dreams, a voice says:
"Notice this, this is it!" And I look more and more
into the infinite above me and feel that I am becoming calm. I
remember all that has happened, and remember how it all happened;
how I moved my legs, how I hung down, how frightened I was, and
how I was saved from fear by looking upwards. And I ask myself:
Well, and now am I not hanging just the same? And I do not so
much look round as experience with my whole body the point of
support on which I am held. I see that I no longer hang as if
about to fall, but am firmly held. I ask myself how I am held: I
feel about, look round, and see that under me, under the middle
of my body, there is one support, and that when I look upwards I
lie on it in the position of securest balance, and that it alone
gave me support before. And then, as happens in dreams, I
imagined the mechanism by means of which I was held; a very
natural intelligible, and sure means, though to one awake that
mechanism has no sense. I was even surprised in my dream that I
had not understood it sooner. It appeared that at my head there
was a pillar, and the security of that slender pillar was
undoubted though there was nothing to support it. From the pillar
a loop hung very ingeniously and yet simply, and if one lay with
the middle of one's body in that loop and looked up, there could
be no question of falling. This was all clear to me, and I was
glad and tranquil. And it seemed as if someone said to me: "See
that you remember."
And I awoke.
1882.
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